Scarlett, by sanatoxSo, it’s not too often that I ask for help, aside from the occasional cup of sugar or a heads up if you ever see Scarlett Johansson offering an evening with whatever guy shows up (please call me if this happens!). Today, however, I do need a little help.

I…… I’m sorry, I got distracted by the photo of Scarlett. What were we talking about? Oh, right! I don’t know if many of you were aware, but Pipe School once held a writing contest with the following basic premise: write an entertaining story of fewer than 500 words using as many names of pipe shapes as possible. It was quite a fun challenge and I will post the winner again after my brief appeal.

black parrot, by JB PhotoAnyway, I’m wanting to do something like this again, but I wanted to use different criteria. So, I was thinking that one way to change it up would be to use tobacco blend names from a particular company instead of pipe names. An example sentence would be: “As I was walking through the sovereign English woods with my old dog Spot, I saw a black parrot on the branch and it said, in a voice of chocolate silk, ‘This is a really crappy story.’ ” That example used only names of blends from McClelland, just for your information.

What I need help with is deciding what brand to use for this particular contest. Don’t worry, this is not the last contest, so other brands will be used eventually. For now, I have narrowed it down to three options: Cornell & Diehl, G.L. Pease, and Rattray’s.

Help me out by taking a look at the names of some of their blends and deciding which you think would be the most entertaining, then voting by posting a comment saying which you would like to see done.

Thanks for your help, guys and gals. Now, the winner of last year’s contest, by Toby O.:

William Tell, Revisited

More than anything, William Tell wanted to be a Knight of the Royal Order. But there was a problem, while his father was from Liverpool and his mother came from Dublin, William was, inexplicably, Hungarian. So, he approached Sir Calabash of the queen’s court, a diplomat and the author of a good deal of her policy for help and advice.
“How can I, a Hungarian, become a knight?” William Tell asked.

william tell, by ecpicaSir Calabash replied, “Knights pretty much have to be of the British Empire. If you were Canadian, that would be one thing, but Hungarian, wow, that’s a problem. Sir Ethan, a churchwarden from Jersey is a spin doctor of the first order. If anyone can figure this out, he can.”

“We’re giving you a freehand,” Calabash said to Ethan, “How do we make William a knight?”

“The queen loves winners, “said Ethan from Jersey. “Youse really good with the longbow, right? Do something spectacular? She’ll lovat!”

“William could shoot arrows into the bull’s eye from far away,” said Calabash.

“Too common,” replied Ethan. “How ‘bout he shoots a bulldog on the run?”

William wouldn’t go for that, so Ethan said, “How ‘bouts we put something on top of his kid’s head and he shoots that?”

They assembled a panel to figure out what to shoot.

“He could shoot a pumpkin,” someone said.

“Nah,” said Sir Ethan, “Too big, how ‘bout an egg?”

“How you gonna sit an egg on the kid’s head?” said Calabash. “Maybe a pear?”

“What’d really impress the queen is if he could shoot strawberry. Maybe he could shoot an acorn or a hickory nut off the kid’s head,” said someone else.

“I don’t want the knighthood that bad,” said Tell.

“Hold on, hold on,” said Ethan, “ A tomato!”

“Too messy,” said Calabash, “But maybe an apple?”

Everybody agreed that apple it was. “How far away?” was the next question.

“I can do 300 meters easy,” said William Tell.

“The queen doesn’t understand metric, Bill,” said Sir Ethan, “I can call you Bill, right? Billiards or feet or inches is what you’ll have to use.”

So they assembled a big festival. There were street vendors selling tankards of brandy. There was the usual unsavory group selling pot. All in all, it was a jolly event. Even Robin Hood and his Merry Men showed up to watch the festivities. Little John, Friar Tuck, and the lesser known Zen master of the group, Oom Paul.

Photo by nebarnix“Up the Thames,” someone shouted, “On her boat, here comes the queen!” And sure enough it was, captained by her Royal Yachtsman, a Zulu prince.

“You’ll need to meet the queen,” Calabash told Tell, “But be careful with your arrows when you bow. You don’t want to poker.”

With no trouble at all, William Tell shot the apple off his son’s head.

The queen was so impressed she walked right over to William Tell with her sword and began the knighting procedure. As our story ends we hear her say,

“Kneel, Archer.”